Exit Wounds
by kbecks41319
Summary: "She knows, though, that no matter how she breaks it to the girl that she'll always be the bad guy." Warning: Character death. AU.


**Disclaimer:** I own nothing. Castle is, sadly, not mine. But this little fic is and it's a sad one. So, grab some tissues and sit back. Or quickly make your way to the top and click the 'x' button before it's too late.

* * *

><p><em>She feels him push her gun into her hands, feels him holding onto the back of seat as if to hold himself still. For what, she isn't sure. She doesn't put too much thought into it as she shoots the seatbelt and then the windshield. Doesn't think much of it, either, when he pushes her out of the shattered glass and up towards the surface.<em>

_She had felt him, she was sure, giving her foot another push as they edge closer to the top and all the air that their lungs could ever need._

_What she doesn't feel is the shudder his body makes as he tries to suck in air that wasn't there yet, the way he sort of sighs into the wetness that still surrounds them as he gives up. Gives in._

"Beckett," Esposito calls her name to break her out of her thoughts, knowing where she's at and what she's doing to herself. "How about I give you a ride home?"

She wants to shake her (and she does for a second there) but she's nodding and offering him a tight lipped smile as he steps forward to place his hand on her shoulder. And then a thought hits her and it's like she's surrounded by water all over again. Finally she manages to stutter out, "Has anyone called Alexis and Martha?"

His face falls and she knows right then that no one has, that no one wanted to have the responsibility of tearing the two women's world apart. She understands; wishes she didn't but she does and her heart is pulling in all kinds of directions all over again.

"I have to tell them," she utters as her eyes close before they snap open again and fill with horror. "Oh God, is Lanie coming to get.." She can't say the body, can't refer to him as something so.. not him.

"Yeah," the Hispanic detective offers with a confused look before he registers exactly what that means and he's whipping out his phone and holding down speed dial for the medical examiner.

_She realizes too late that he's not behind her anymore, that his head isn't breaking the surface and taking in greedy gulps of air like she is. Without any regard for her own life, she sucks in a deep breath and dives back under the water. She'd be damned if he's gonna die on her; not now, not like this._

_He's far enough down that it's a struggle to get to him, to push her aching limbs to keep swimming as she wraps her arm around his waist and starts kicking for the top. Her lungs are screaming again as she bursts into the air, once again taking in greedy gulps as she aims for the floating dock that's closest to them._

"_Come on, Castle, you don't get to die on me today."_

_He's heavy and she's fairly certain he's not breathing anymore but she stops that train of thought and focuses on getting them out of the damn freezing ass water. Focuses on hoisting him up the best she can as she awkwardly holds him in place as she climbs onto the dock, focuses on pulling his deadweight body up and rolling him over._

"_Rick," she breaths out as she tilts his head the way she remembers being taught before she's pressing down on his chest hoping to get the water out of his lungs._

"Beckett," Esposito's voice is soft as he touches her arm, bringing her out of her memories and back to reality. "She's sending Perlmutter instead."

"I don't want that to be one of the last memories she has of her dad," she whispers as she allows her head to rest on his shoulder, her feet carrying her towards the car without a second thought. "It's not something you forget."

"She's smart, she'll know something's wrong." He's continuing to speak softly, as if she's too fragile for anything louder but she can't bother to feel annoyed and simply nods her head. "Want me to have Lanie take her home?"

"No," she sighs and realizes that she has her hand that's not trapped between them pressing against the scar on her chest, as if she's trying to hold herself together. "I'll take her home."

"There's no way you're driving, Becks." It's in his voice, the resolve that he'll do anything to make his point and make sure she doesn't drive anywhere.

She wants to roll her eyes, give him a look that says 'watch me' and walk away like she normally would but her body is exhausted and it's all she can do to let him guide her into the cruiser that Ryan and him had drove there. "Ryan?"

"He's going to ride back with Perlmutter," he mutters but avoids her eyes as he closes the door and walks around to slide into the driver's seat.

"He doesn't have to do that," she frowns, running her fingers over her bottom lip as images flash in front of her eyes. She knows that he's only staying because of the scene she made earlier, only staying to calm the rapid beating in her heart that starts when she thinks of him all alone and.. cold.

_She's clinging to him, as if that will help, and shaking her head as Ryan tries to pull her away from him - to let the EMTs cover him up so he's not so exposed. But she doesn't give a damn who sees him like this and she doesn't want to let him go because if she does then that makes this real. Makes it so damn real that it feels like there's something trying to crawl out of her chest._

_And it does, in the form of a loud sob as she crumbles into the man laying before her._

"_I won't leave him," she chokes out as she shakes her head once again. "I can't leave him alone, Kevin. I can't."_

"_I'll stay with him," the young man offers as Esposito crouches to wrap his arms around her and pull her up. "I promise, I'll stay with him."_

_It's all she can do to tuck her face into her friend's neck, tears still streaming as she feels him pulling her away from the body. Away from everything that's ever kept her sane in the world. She doesn't even realize that she's clutching at his shirt like a terrified child, or that she's whispering his name over and over again._

"If it wasn't him, it'd be me." Esposito shrugs and pulls her out of the not so pleasant reverie once again as they pull into traffic.

"He's cold," she whimpers and realizes a moment too late that it's not possible, that he can't feel the hard concrete underneath him or the freezing clothes that's probably sticking to him.

But the man beside her takes it in stride, simply reaches over and gives her hand a reassuring squeeze as he focuses on the road. "They covered him up, he's not cold."

"I love him." She admits this as she stares out the window, eyes unfocused as the traffic finally starts moving and buildings start to pass by. "I have for a while now."

"I know," Esposito nods as he pulls his hand away and grips the steering wheel hard.

"Do you think he knew?" She blinks, tearing her eyes away from the passing buildings as panic bubbles up in her and she studies her friend. "Do you think he knew that I love him?"

"He knew," he promises as they finally pull into the precinct parking garage, the car coming to a slow stop. He's hesitant as he puts the car in park and finally turns the engine off, turning to look at the woman beside him. "You don't have to be the one to do this, we can have someone else tell her."

She shakes her head, eyes wide and filled with horror as she clutches at her chest again in a vain attempt to keep the demons at bay. "He'd never forgive me for letting someone else tell his baby girl. He'd never forgive me, Javi. I can't just let some stranger tell her that her dad's been jerked out of her life because he was too stubborn to quit following me around. That he won't be coming home tonight or the next night or the next. And that the hole that immediately opens up in her chest is never going to go away, no matter how long she tries to move on from it. I can't just let someone do that to her, I c-can't let some stranger-"

"Okay," he cuts in through her rambling quickly (because he knows she's about to put herself into hysterics) as he reaches over and takes her hand in his to bring her back down, to anchor her to a reality she doesn't want to be in. "Okay. But let Lanie stay with you, just in case."

She doesn't even bother to argue with him, just gives a simple nod of the head before he's rushing himself out of the car and around to her sit to open the door. It should bother her, that he's doing all these things that she would normally put him in his place over, but she doesn't have the energy to even roll her eyes at him so she takes his hand and allows him to pull her out of the seat.

"Can you call Martha and have her get a cab here?" She barely registers that she's speaking but she glances his way and can only nod in return to his own nod. Her eyes focus back on her feet as they start the short walk across the garage, her brain going a mile a minute.

His phone beeps in his pocket but she barely notices as he pulls it out and checks it because they're in the elevator now and she's trying to think of the least painful way to break the news. She knows, though, that no matter how she breaks it to the girl that she'll always be the bad guy. She'll always be the person that gave her the worst news in her life, the person who let her dad die, the person who could've stopped it long ago but didn't have the guts to do it.

_They've had this conversation and she tells him what she told him last time, even though he's being ridiculous. Nothing's going to happen to him. But he's being so serious and even though she knows that he has a serious side, she rather her partner go back to his childish ways. It'd push the panic that's trying to bubble its way up back down._

"_Curses aren't real, Castle," she huffs out with a roll of her eyes even though she wants to smile so bad her cheeks ache._

"_You keep living in your delusions," he squeaks as the coffee machine makes a popping noise before it goes about it's business._

"_Should probably get that fixed before Gates gives you the boot over a coffee incident." She can't help but laugh at his face, covering her mouth with her own cup as she turns to look out the window into the bullpen._

"_But you promise, right?" His voice is serious and she knows that she shouldn't but she looks at him anyways, his eyes pulling her in immediately as she gives him a nod._

"_Of course, Castle. If anything ever happens to you, I'll look out for Alexis." She offers a tight smile, her heart clenching at the mere thought of him not being around anymore but she doesn't say anything as he returns to making his own cup of caffeine._

"_Good, I don't even want to think if she was left to her own devices with just Martha and Meredith." He's putting a lid on his cup and turning around to watch her give him a stern look._

"_Your mom wouldn't ruin Alexis," she points out as she takes a sip of her coffee. "Give her more credit than that."_

"_You neglected to back Meredith up," his eyes are twinkling as he smirks._

"_That's a whole different book," she mutters as her eye darken slightly and crease along the edges as she pushes away from the counter and heads back into the bullpen. She has no desire to continue the conversation, especially if the way his eyes lit up even more as he hurried after her was any indication of how it was going to go._

The elevator dinging brings her out of the latest memory, her eyes sliding back into focus as she realizes they're down at the morgue. Her stomach lurches and she squeezes the arm that is practically holding her up as they step into the hallway.

"I'm going to make sure they don't try to bring the body in quite yet," Esposito says softly next to her as the reach the door to autopsy. "Lanie will be in there, though."

She nods, though the information is a bit slower to reach her brain as she blinks and tries to reign in the feelings that are trying to swamp her. She's not sure she can do it, not sure if she can go in there and break apart the girl's world. She doesn't want to, hates herself for having to give this news but she knows she won't let anyone else do it. It'd be wrong, for her to hear it from anyone else.

She feels her friend squeeze her hand once more before he's easing himself away from her, walking back down the hallway. Her world tilts sideways and she's not sure which way is up all of the sudden before she bites down on the inside of her cheek and forces herself not to crumble. She can't. Not yet.

Kate shakes her head, her hands shoved deep inside the pockets of the NYPD jacket she was forced to put on. She's sure her hair is a mess and that she looks like she had drowned herself but she can't think about that, can't think about any of it because she has to do this. She has to tell Alexis that her dad died. She has to admit, out loud, that Richard Castle is dead.

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** I'm so, so, so, so, sooooo sorry for this. Really. I am. But it's all youpagedme's fault over on Tumblr for making that damn gifset. I don't know why I like to keep killing Castle off. I love him, I really do. I'm not sure if I'll continue this with Alexis' response but I feel confident in leaving it here. Thanks for reading. Reviews are appreciated!


End file.
